“I can fix him”
fixes him
Joke on my ex fiance. Although it might be on me considering she cheated.
“She could fix others but not herself”
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Then he leaves her for someone “who doesn’t nag” and is more exciting.
Fuck, I love being single and living by myself.
Anon learns the joys of being a pet
When you put it like that… 😅
Pet does not sound too bad, sex is optional.
op found a mom for himself.
It’s clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn’t actually specify Jocastas family details.)
it’s actually a lot easier to find a partner who guides you on the right path of life through love and support instead of just being abusive
Weird. I had the opposite experience.
Used to have gfs. They constantly nagged me to don’t work out, to not get a better job, to drink, to smoke, and party. oh and don’t have friends they don’t like and don’t do anything that doesn’t involve them. i was always trying to get us to get better jobs, take classes, try new things, try new places, etc. They would have NONE of it. Having goals and wanting to do stuff in life made me some sort of huge asshole to them.
I’ve been single 6 years and my salary has gone up 250%. in the decade I was dating women… it went up like 10%. and i am fitter, stronger, have lots of cool hobbies and i volunteer a lot. I also have pets and own a home. Only thing I don’t have in life that I want is a wife/child.
And when I try to date… i just meet women who think all that shit is gross. I already went on three dates this month and got told by each woman that I was ‘too put together and active and serious about life’. they just want someone to get drunk with on the weekends. I don’t. I can’t seem to find any women to date who actually want to be an active participant in their own life.
I know you aren’t asking for advice but many people search for partners in places that only have 1 type of person. For example you don’t look for a wife at the club or you don’t look for a party animal at church.
Sounds like you are looking for a certain type of person in exactly the opposite place you should be looking.
I grew up in the country where lots of people are like this. As an adult, I’ve always lived in cities. I’m some odd amalgamation of the two, perfectly content in not chasing goals but also hyper vigilant in avoiding people that enable poor health decisions. It’s quite a zen life, to be honest, but I often come upon people who work both extremes: pushing me toward unhealthy habits or pushing me toward more prestigious paths, assuming depression. I don’t know; I’m just happy to be healthy, competent, and well fed.
And, I’ve always been single, having never been compelled to try. When you don’t intend to have children, the calculus changes. I would enjoy having the full human experience, but my outlook prevents me from making that choice.
Also note that i’ve observed that there’s whole swaths of areas which seem to have the same/similar personality type. Like, i grew up in some backwards country village, and all the people there seemed to have a very specific type of mentality that i didn’t share (which is why i hated it there). Note: i was an immigrant child. After moving to the big city, i met much more like-minded people, and everything got better.
My lesson is: In some areas, even large parts of land, people are very similar and if you don’t get along with them, it’s probably best if you move somewhere completely else instead of trying to stay and make friends with them.
Yeesh. What’s the girlfriend getting out of all of this? Seems like a lot of work to run someone else’s life in addition to your own.
“I can fix him”
A lot of women get off on the idea of “flawed but ultimately good man is saved by woman’s love and support.” It’s a whole trope.
Looked at from a more autistic angle (we are on Lemmy, after all), we can imagine women’s options of men as a matrix. On one axis: is a jerk/is not a jerk. On the other: has shit together/does not have shit together.
Supposing you are a woman of average dating appeal in your market, you will initially be attracted to guys who have their shit together. This makes sense, and is the premise of your comment - why would a woman date a guy who doesn’t have his shit together? But you run into a problem: guys who have their shit together and aren’t jerks have a lot of options. They are either quickly removed from the dating market, or else they have no reason to settle down with any one particular woman - least of all one who is completely average. So an average woman looking for a long term partner among guys who have their shit together will find the market flooded with jerks.
After dating a few jerks and finding their jerk-ness doesn’t improve with time, you will start considering your other option: guys who don’t have their shit together, but are nice. Sure this guy always has a sink full of dirty dishes and has never thought of asking for a raise at his job - but he’s appreciative enough that he has any woman in his life that you can feel secure knowing he won’t beat you or belittle you or cheat on you or leave you. You just have to get him to do his dishes or whatever, which is a more solveable problem than training a jerk to not be a jerk.
I believe OPs story is how it originally worked in a lot of traditional marriages. Women stays home but keeps a close eye on any business activity her man does. Since he earns a lot of money when he’s productive, she tries to keep him productive by pushing him in the right way. That’s how marriage worked. That was a long time ago, however, and such a strategy would not make sense today because people rarely stay together long enough for such a game to pay off for the women.
kind of toxic post ngl
This is funny because some women have this mentality where sex is a tool to wield. Other view it as a humiliation ritual that men need to go through for several days, sometimes weeks until the “mood strikes”. There are pros and cons to both but I think most men would prefer the former.
Personally, I prefer dating a woman who has sex with me when she wants to because she wants to. Fuck these manipulative head games.
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.
15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn’t. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.
Then she cheated on me.
Somehow I haven’t been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.
Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲
I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn’t have made it another decade. Glad you’re on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven’t felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It’s frustratingly helpful in that it doesn’t feel like you’re doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
I don’t get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
You can be blind to the problems you’re facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.
My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc… The status doesn’t play into it at all.
If those don’t make sense to you then that’s just as normal. If you’re confused by them then look into aromanticism.
Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can’t really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don’t really matter.
I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.
EDIT: Specifically, I’m not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I’m not entitled to.
No one is entitled to another human being. Relationships are about mutual interest.
Exactly! And I see myself as especially unworthy of other people.
Fair. I just hope you find yourself worthy of your own self care, love, and respect.
I’m doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
So far I’ve only met one person on the apps. So I’m working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It’s a small city, so kind of limited. Can’t move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
But one thing I’m trying to remind myself - I’ll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50’s marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I’d say there’s still time.
Nice!
Yeah, and additionally, meeting other parents around school events can be good. There’s lots of time. Seems like you’re making the right moves. Best of luck!!!
Been on one date with someone else.
Congrats ! 🎉
Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one
Big hugs, friend. You’re not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you’ll make it through. It gets better.
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.
The guy just discovered female led relationship. If he likes it, it is like a heaven.
Meh. It’s more finding the person that compliments you. Your SO should compliment you so your weaknesses are less pronounced and likewise you should do that with your SO.
A rising tide lifts all boats.
I already get all that shit at work, minus the “go to gym”, I don’t need it back at home, thanks
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
This is what extreme responsibility avoidance looks like.
