No, thank you.

I have no experience with boiled peanuts. What’s the deal?

Man, that’s so sad.

My purpose it to be sitting on a beach, fat and drunk.

“It’s 9 a.m., and I don’t feel like drinking, but…”

What was the scenario (if you don’t mind saying)?

Sometimes, when I think about it, I just start blubbering.

I hit a minke whale in my pickup while driving home one night, just north of Belle Fourche, South Dakota. Son of a bitch breached over a guardrail and flopped down right in front of me before I’d even had a chance to hit the brakes. Hit him square in the blow hole and mangled the whole front end of the truck. The fishy bastard just dusted himself off and fucked off into the night, making them wierd ass whale noises at me the whole time. Ever since that night, I take the long way home.

People who think that are creepy and weird.

214 years ago, since I’m an insufferable pedant.

Why do you say that?

You should, it’s pretty nice.

Dammit, I trumped my pants

Did you call 911 or something?

I love how Russia invading other countries is always everyone else’s fault. Hilarious.

Russia pushed Ukraine into seeking NATO membership when they attacked them in 2014. Ukraine was neutral before that.

Why doesn’t Russia just go home? Why is it up to Ukraine to do anything but defend itself?

I think my head would be in a very different place at this point had it gone the other way.

Same for the dog, too.

Good luck!