Nothing but empathy for you here, bro. Try some drugs. Not the shrink drugs, but some psychedelics. There is some inherent risk with HPPD, but you’re already wanting to opt-out of life, so that could be acceptable. Read up on set and setting, do the prep, find someone experienced that will trip sit. And be prepared to feel overwhelmed, possibly from profound thoughts, and for some very honest introspection and soul searching. Totally okay to sob your heart out. Psychedelics are not a panacea, but they can be a tool to help you out of the local minimum.

I think “slur” also requires a component of direct offense for it mean anything. I don’t think it is valid to be offended for somebody else if that somebody else isn’t actually offended. If I make up a slur on the spot denigrating some aspect of your person that you do not find offensive (eg. Flumplenook - for a person who’s a bit clumsy), is it really a slur?

So if you call someone retarded, and they do not have the mental faculties to be offended, is it really a slur?

For slurs to have any meaning, any power, they need to be understood and internalized as offensive.

Why is work so important for you? I think you’ll find that a large number of people simply go through the motions because the stakes are low and their lives outside of work are more interesting. To them, it is an exchange of labor (that isn’t valued anyway) for (not enough) money. Why push yourself at work when it simply doesn’t matter? And what will drive you nuts later is that people from that “lazy” group will eventually end up promoted over you. The work is ultimately inconsequential, but the relationships built matter.

I don’t really have an answer for you other than to introspect a little bit on your work ethic.