What really made my stomach turn is that my Aunt had a smile on her face. At first I took it as maybe she’s trying to stay positive about the situation or having some odd nervous reaction but it was a huge huge smile as if she won the lottery. My grandma was not well off by any means so I highly doubt she had much in her will and my uncle was clearly not smiling in the picture.
She was also extremely unempathetic when my dad passed away during my mid 20s, telling me I need to man up and do better in life. I was working, in a relationship and doing my best to help my mom out. Am I overreacting or does she come off as a full blown sociopath?
Oh I hear you on this one. I don’t have the best relationship with my family because of similar behaviors. That’s kind of where I learned the value of forgiveness and the difference between forgiveness and trust.
A lot of the time it isn’t a choice. I don’t get pushed to a wild rage of abusive language very often, but I do occasionally. Both my parents were wildly angry and rude to each other. I didn’t and don’t want to be that person, either, but I can also see that childhood exposure to such loud anger taught little boy Snot this is how you deal with stress, frustration, and anger at selfish disrespectful people. I am in therapy because I want to be more stoic. I don’t want to make others feel pain, not really, but in my worst moments I do whether I like it or not, which is why I want to get past my own issues and get better myself.
Other than that, I learned good things from mother (my dad is a lost cause and always was) and I can see her own brokenness that was given to her by her own parents. She never wanted to teach me through trauma, either, but she accidentally did. She’s cried about her regrets as a parent a lot, but that’s because she genuinely is trying to put the work in to get better herself.
I have cut off my dad because of his selfishness and narcissism. He still doesn’t understand why, I don’t think he’ll ever truly make the effort to understand why. I know he had trauma, too. His whole chest got melted from a pot of boiling water dumping all over himself when he was a child, and those scars are still visible to this day. None of the bad things that have happened to him justify his behavior, especially since he won’t make apologies and then turn around and steal something from you when he gets a chance.
The difference between the two is my mother feeling and expressing deep remorse for it, and my father not giving a single shit. My mom still drives me up the wall, but not enough to go no contact because there’s still something good and healthy to salvage from it.
I can give people who feel remorse, who are listening, who want to change the benefit of the doubt. The stubborn selfish jerks can just go if they don’t wish to change, and there is only so much stoic attitude I can muster to deal with them.