I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible but it’s really hard.
Me and my bf have been talking since end of November so it hasn’t been that long but we got really attached to each other. I always had guys talk to me only for sexual stuff so it took me a long time to believe he actually cared for me for anything besides that. He is the best guy and most caring one I’ve ever met. During the begininning (when I was unsure of what we were) this was the first month, he asked me my body count, I got so scared and threw a fake number at him to see how he would react. He was so upset and was crying and I felt guilty and then told him the actual number and was even more upset but then was fine after a day or so. I felt horrible. After awhile I was still unsure of what we were (we’re 7 hours away drive) and was asking him “what are you talking to me for? What do you want from me?” And he never said boyfriend girlfriend but he said he can’t tell me exactly because he doesn’t know what can happen in the future with his work and all of that. He was scared of telling me something and then me possibly being affected by it a year from now… anyways, then I started feeling it was official. I have TikTok and have had some people say they’d send me money to chat (I know it’s dumb). I told my boyfriend if he would be okay with it as I was not sending anything of myself and he said yes. I was messaging one guy and he wanted nudes so I sent the fake nudes (my bf knew) and then instead of sending money he sent me nudes back and I was so grossed out and told him this isn’t the payment he said and then we argued and I blocked. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the nudes he sent. Moving on, another guy sent me money for doing nothing, just talking about our day and then my boyfriend said he’s not fine with it unless they are sending money through go fund me link (which I understand because he doesn’t like the attention aspect behind it). I said okay and I blocked him. I did request more money via email because I was dumb but never added back and only requested the one time the day after. I feel so stupid for this. On TikTok someone said they’d send money on go fund me if I give them my Instagram first. I thought nothing of it, I thought I’d give it, get them to send, and just remove. But then they sent a dick photo out of nowhere and I blocked. I felt so guilty and couldn’t stop crying. I told my boyfriend this and he was so heartbroken that I lied. That I gave my instagram out for money. Which I understand. And I told him that the first guy also sent dick stuff and he got more upset. He needed space and we were both in a rlly dark time. We decided to talk about it in person. By the time we were gonna meet, we were begininning to talk to each other more normally and he would make jokes that he made before (sexual and regular) and I guess I got my hopes high for thinking it’ll go back to the same
We met up on Thursday night to friday. When I got to the hotel we hugged for a long time and I told him I want to talk about it but he said he wanted to enjoy the night and he didn’t know what to say. I insisted multiple times but nope. We enjoyed the night and we did everything we usually do. The next day was also fine until I noticed he looked upset and that’s when it all came up. We cried a lot, hugged a lot. And I guess he just can’t trust me the same and he’s scared he’s going to invest more feelings and end up being more hurt. I feel so bad for my dumb actions and how it made him feel. I don’t know what to do.
I asked him what made him finally think of this decision and he said when I was singing along to my music that he didn’t feel or react the same as he used to before. That shattered me. I told him how does he feel that’s different but us having sex and cuddling all night was okay? We both care and like each other a lot and we agreed to being friends and not getting rid of each other from our lives. He says he knows I made a mistake and stuff but idk how to live with this guilt. I don’t want to lose him, I want to prove to him that I will never hurt him again.
I needed to start a whole new response for this section:
This is a problem, whether one of perception or depression, but this sentence here is a recipe for codependency.
Your reactions to each other will change over time. The sexual intensity you feel now will fade as it becomes more routine. The way you think each other is fucking amazing will become tempered with reality over time. Neither of you are as awesome as the other thinks and so much of each other is still made up of your fantasies of who the other is to fill in gaps on knowledge, you know? That doesn’t make either of you bad people, just human.
Sexual contact always releases some powerful hormones for feeling good.
I want to know what kind of mistake he thinks you made vs what you think you made. You were talking to guys for money. You’re going to get dick pics. You’re going to get guys who don’t read or respect the boundary. That’s facts. So maybe that was a mistake? But I can’t tell if you are even both on the same page here.
You will. He will hurt you. You will disappoint him. That’s life, my friend. My wife and I don’t get along all the time. She does shout that annoys the fucks out of me, Andee sometimes I can be a real asshole.
We hurt one another sometimes. If you love someone, you will hurt and you will be hurt because that’s life. The goal isn’t to promise perfection you’ll never be able to deliver. The goal is to work together, to mutually respect one another, and talk through problems to see how to work through them together. That’s it.
Good luck.
I even offered my passwords, told him he can text them or whatever to make him feel better but he said no. After the second guy he said he didn’t like it unless it was through GoFundMe me link, and then I was stupid to give someone my Instagram because they said they’d send me money and I sent them the go fund me link on Instagram. I know that part is dumb because if they wanted to help they would’ve just done it on TikTok. But idk. I made that mistake I guess. I apologized so much. He has his insecurities and I have mine but if he had told me about it I would’ve respected it from the very begininning. He was hyping me up in the beginning 2 guys and asking me “have they sent you money yet?” So it was so hard to get it. I thought everything was fine?
That can be really tricky. The only time my wife was flirting with another guy with the intent of it going somewhere (with my permission but that’s all a long story)… it was exciting to me but it also made me jealous. And I didn’t want to be jealous, I was excited for her, but it made me feel those things anyway.
I know it’s not at all the same situation, but I think from his perspective it’s not so different. He was agreeing to other men having access to you knowing they wanted to get something in turn for paying for that access.
So I’m not surprised his feelings about that were complex and fraught. Especially at that age. I struggled at 45, I can’t imagine trying to navigate those feelings at 25.
Just talk about it. But also it sounds like you have some emotional things to work out for yourself and it’s possible you’re just not ready for a serious relationship no matter how bad you want it (not for me to say or judge, but don’t be afraid to discover who you are and what makes you happy without a partner because that will make you a better partner IMO).
He hates the idea of sharing me or me receiving attention from others and I agree 100% because I feel the same way about girls giving him attentions that’s why I asked him first if he’s fine with it and he agreed. That’s why I didn’t think much of it in the beginning. I’ve been single for years, I do feel ready for a relationship and wants things to work. I’ve been trying really hard to work things out but I think it’s officially set that he wants out, gotta respect that I guess
There will be others. I went through a whole failed marriage before finding the right person for me at about 33. You have time. You’ll find your person and I promise they will be even better. Hugs.
Why is it so hard to accept that? I’m in a lot of denial and just want things to go another chance again. Part of me is so confident we can make things work again but I know I have to respect his choice. U know. I know there will be others but that thought grosses me out. I’m only 21 to be 22 in 4 months and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like my pain is always repeating
It does, but you grow and learn a little each time. It always hurts and it always feels like this one was perfect in ways the others weren’t. But eventually it happens.
I know. I do suffer from depression tbh. I’m working on it and it has improved a lot. Deep down, I know I’ll manage, I’ve been through so much things and pain in my life and I bounced back. I mostly sad that out of sadness. He is one of the good things I have in my life besides my family and my friend. He grew really close to me. Like no one else ever has. Even knowing others for 3+ years. And I understand that, I know the reactions will feel different because like you said, I know it becomes more routine. Love will never be same as when you first meet someone but it’s on the two individuals to do things together to spark it up. I’ve seen my sisters and their husbands go through this. I understand this, idk if he does. I wish he can understand that things can be worked through. No one is perfect, people will upset you in any way, no matter how much you love them and they love you. I know all of this is true. I think I’m just tired of trying to win him back. I really would go back. I have lots of hope of working things out that I think are good. The sexual contact was good but it did make me feel used, but he apologized and I’m moving past it. The mistake I made was giving my Instagram out after me and him had a conversation about followers and stuff (childish I know, I regret it) and I only gave it out because they said they would help with go fund me. But they sent a dick pic, I blocked, and told him immediately. When we were talking about that, I saw he was upset about the Dick pic so I told him the first guy I was texting for money (he knew this) that he also sent stuff I didn’t wanna see. And he got mad that I didn’t tell him that. I asked if that would’ve changed anything and he said yes. He would’ve told me he’s more uncomfortable with it and I get it, I would’ve respected it. But I was equally as traumatized receiving those I just never found a purpose to tell him when I knew I was gonna block them. It’s really Immature and I would never text anyone for money ever again. He just doesn’t think he can trust me again…. Lol.