So straight out the gate: I don’t ever really flirt (yes, even if I like the girl). And I’m not sure whether I should change strategies. So hence my question.
Note: I am a guy.
Edit: Thank you all for your input. I have come to the realisation I need to let the other party (better) know I am romantically interested in them. Either by means of flirtation or otherwise.
Just an anecdote, but I don’t think flirting is a specific thing to do per se, so feel it’s more just being honest to yourself and the other and letting it come out, I.e you shouldn’t think specifically about flirting, just say the things out loud you notice in the other or feel inside. Like tell them they look beautiful if they do. You create unneeded pressure when you think it as an explicit thing to do and master, when really, it’s messaging out loud your vulnerable observations and feelings we generally hold inside.
You feel bubbly inside with them? I would just go ahead and say that exactly as-is, without trying to be explicitly flirty or somehow “traditional” or beholden to the norms of what we’ve been taught flirting is.
Bubbly inside is fine if that’s what you feel. Their hair has amazing golden hues in the sun? Just say it if it feels right. You want to spend more time with them? That’s flirting, too, if you just say it out loud.
It’s vulnerable and scary, but it’s not hard or really even a bespoke thing to do. It’s letting yourself be vulnerable and open to hurt by voicing your thoughts, feelings and desires.
It can be fun too, since if the other is also struggling with knowing when it’s fine to voice things like that, you doing it signals it’s fine and you get all the warmth and love and voiced validation for yourself too. You get to hear how they perceive you, what is beautiful or exciting in you, you lower the barrier of just hooking up if it feels right for both, forming thoughts and feelings into words just starts coming more natural and it’s always just fun and exciting and validating, as well as all the other lovely things.
So what I’m trying to say is don’t think about flirting as a thing, just start saying shit out loud when you feel said shit. You like the way they look? Just start voicing it out loud, and it just flows naturally from there if the excitement is mutual.
Much less intimidating if you stop thinking about it and stressing about the concept of flirting as you’ve perceived it from media and such. It’s natural, comes readily for all, when the situation is right. All it takes is daring to take the jump, which is really the only serious blocker, being brave enough to be vulnerable. If you make flirting as a concept a blocker and a source of anxiousness too, you’ll have double the amount of anxiousness and blockers.
Best try and consciously just say things out loud instead. Half the stress and sweat, 100% of the reward ✨
When I went on the first few dates with my now-wife, I did not flirt with her as in try to tease her or do anything overtly sexual.
I honestly think I won her over because how enthusiastic I was about telling stories. She said I was so charming because of how passionate and animated I was while telling her about myself that she could see how confident and content I was.
Prior to meeting her at 35, I had never had a girlfriend and had only ever gone on 2 dates.
Flirting is part of a non-platonic relationship during the introduction, wooing and continued phases.
Flirting can take a lot of forms though, so if you’re uncomfortable with what social media describes as flirting then you may simply have a different love language.
For context, my partner and I met digitally through (essentially) a text based MMORPG and have been married for about a decade and a half. Never were unironic pickup lines part of our courtship.
Flirting is a pretty nebulous term.
My personal definition of flirting is any positive expression or behavior which:
- Is an exception to your typical behavior or affect.
- Targeted at a specific person, typically someone new.
- Is heightened or marked by increased volume, nervousness, etc.
examples:
A typically reserved guy pulling you aside and animatedly asking about your interest.
A woman who normally doesn’t touch you is repeatedly teasing you about your shirt, pulling on the fabric.
A good friend begins to repeatedly and unexpectedly invite you over for one on one movie nights despite obvious inconveniences.
That’s just my opinion, though. I believe most people are looking for these heightened expressions of flirting to confirm interest.
Isn’t flirting the accepted way of signaling to another person, that you’re interested in them in a certain way? I mean I talk to lots of different people of different genders in my life. And I’m mostly very nice to people and find interesting topics to talk about. But how are they supposed to find out if it’s just a nice conversation, or if I want to meet them again, or if I want to go on a date with them?
But how are they supposed to find out if it’s just a nice conversation, or if I want to meet them again, or if I want to go on a date with them?
If I’m having a friendly chat with someone and I suggest we meet again in a different setting, wouldn’t that be a clear enough sign?
I’d say yes. That’d be a clear sign. And bordering on what I’d call flirting. If you say “Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
It’d say it’s polite and does the job. And there’s no need to be super explicit, unless you want to initiate a one-night-stand.
If you say “Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
When given chance, this is basically the way I go about it. Just a quick on-the-side question: How quickly do you usually suggest something like that?
And bordering on what I’d call flirting.
What would you call flirting?
I don’t know why everyone else here says “No.” Maybe it’s down to preference. I usually like people not just for their outer appearance, but to a greater degree for their intelligence, wits, humor, similar perspective on life… And it just takes time to talk about all of that. So, I rather keep it down with being suggestive and just let things play out. Took me a long time. But everyone is different.
I’m not sure if I have a good definition of flirting. I’m more a problem-oriented person. I do whatever gets the job done. If I want to meet someone again, I just tell them that, as you said. And I usually don’t have any ulterior motives. And I’m currently not in the dating game, so I’m pretty much relaxed on parties and social events in that regard. But I think I’ve always gone to social events to have fun, and not so much to do dating.
It depends a bit on who your target audience is. I think it’s usually a good idea to roughly be how you are and not play some role. But I’m not a dating expert, so I might be wrong.
Flirting is part of the process, the dance. It’s also a pretty broad term.
Flirting is part of the process
Okay and how big (would you say) is that part?
It’s also a pretty broad term.
Would you say that talking amicably, counts as flirting?
I feel like talking amicably just falls under being friendly by definition lol
“Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
But if I sign it off like this. That would MAKE the message pretty clear, right?
Not really, I would take it at face value. Unless the person sent some really strong signals. And even then I would just do the conclusion that requires the least assumptions, which is just friend vibes.
But you can still be explicit afte the fact. I get is hard tho, since you have to be pretty vulnerable.
Eh, just say, “I’m trying to flirt with you. How’s it doing?”
And if she laughs, you’re in. If she does squirmy-squirm face, “Well, I had to try. Now let’s enjoy this awkward silence together.” And stare at the ground silently, but for no more than three seconds.
Never more than 3 seconds. Listen up guys, most important part!
That’s like saying you don’t put in job applications and are trying to figure out why you can’t find employment
