So my girlfriend apologises compulsively. I find it easy to talk to her about the reasons why she may do that; however, she posed to me a question today which I found a little more tricky to answer:
How do I feel when I tell her to stop apologising, and why do I feel the need to tell her to stop apologising?
It’s honestly something I never gave thought to before. It is a very, very minor annoyance - to the point where I feel calling it an ‘annoyance’ is too harsh - but I don’t actually know why I feel the need to tell her stop doing it all the time.
I’m hoping someone can help me put it into words. So I ask you, Lemmy: how does it feel when someone apologises too much, and why do you feel the need to tell them to stop apologising?
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It makes me feel like they’re trying to minimize or discount my own feelings (of disappointment, anger, betrayal etc) to present themself as a victim. To me, an apology doesn’t really mean much. It’s just words. If you apologize, then continue to do the same thing that elicited the need for the apology in the first place, then you’re not really sorry. You’re just apologizing to get me to stop being upset/confrontational/etc.
Say ‘sorry’ once, but demonstrate you’re actually sorry by changing your behavior. Otherwise, you’re just repeating false platitudes in order to dismiss my own feelings.
Excessive apologies can feel disingenuous and perfunctory. That makes it difficult for me to know when an apology is genuine. That erodes my trust.
Excessive apologies can signal to me that the other person sees me as a threat, and I don’t want to feel like a threat, so I feel attacked.
But I could also choose to interpret excessive apologies as a sign of past trauma, so I could choose to have compassion and patiently ask the other person to talk to me about what’s going on. I can share how I feel and hope that they feel ready to discuss what’s happening for them. Patience would be key.
Obsessive apologizing makes a person appear not confident in themselves. If it is a person I care about I want them to be confident in themselves.
Additionally the more you repeat something the less meaning it has. So if someone apologizes too much for things that really don’t necessitate an apology when they have something they genuinely need to show remorse for and apologize for the apology holds less meaning.
It makes me want to understand and listen to them more because I know from my past that when people apologize to much it’s usually because a lot of trauma and bad people in there past, so instead of saying they should stop, I just simply respond to the apology positively, like “no problem” or " totally ok. No worries". Give them time to trust me and know that do it out of fear and repetition and it’s a reflex from there traumatic past.
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It depends. Some people say I’m sorry as a way to recognize their own interactions with the world. Knock something over and you might say shit. She might say sorry. Both roughly mean the same thing. You didn’t like that you knocked it over. The difference is anger is internal or singularly objective. I’m pissed at myself or the object. Sorry is environmental. I’m sorry to my apartment or to someone else who deals with the consequences.
The real test is if she says sorry and you tell her she only needs to be sorry if she did it on purpose. Particularly if in her mind the appology is actually meant for you. If she gets pissed off the implication is you don’t accept her apology and you are blaming her for it or doubting her sincerity. If that’s the case or if she laughs it off she’s well adjusted and is just someone who does that. If she’s confused apologizing is more a matter of being self concious. The truth is typically in the middle.
I have a colleague who actually behaves in a way that I recognized right away. It is something I used to do a lot; talking like I was a burden on others, like the time people spent with me was time lost for them.
It takes finding out a root cause to stop this. Me, I’m a perfectionist. This manifests through me being a people pleaser: I hold myself to really high social standards and expect others to also set the bar high for me. I really don’t like it when people are disappointed by my actions, so that causes me to apologize more than necessary.
I’ve taken stock of my life the last six months and made a lot of progress on this front.
The best thing she can do to change her behavior is acknowledging she has an issue to begin with. As long is she is happy with her current behavior and you are not, the only thing you can do is explore why she feels the need to be like this and see if she can alter her behavior without distancing herself from who she is.
We’ve both been working on ourselves emotionally for a long time, so we spend a lot of time and energy trying to explore why we feel certain ways about different things, and then working together to try and help each other get to where we want to be.
I obviously have behaviours which I don’t like about myself which I’m working on, and she also has behaviours which she’s trying to work on. This is one of those areas where we’re trying to figure out together “how much apologising is too much?” as a general curiosity, rather than it being an actual problem.
Neither of us feel like we apologise enough, but I don’t get called out on how much I apologise, but she does. A lot of our friends and family often tell her she doesn’t need to apologise, or that she apologises too much! 😂
I understand why I don’t want her to do it, and it’s for many of the reasons you stated: perfectionism, people-pleasing, high social standards, fear of disappointment, etc. all of which can lead to her feeling sad, anxious, and over thinking every tiny detail which obviously isn’t good for mental health.
But to try and figure out how I physically and emotionally feel when I hear her say “sorry” is tricky. Do I get frustrated? Do I feel pity? Am I annoyed? Am I annoyed at her? (Obviously I’m not, but she often assumes I am)
I guess we’re just finding it interesting to work through that childish curiosity of answering the question “…but why?” from a perspective which isn’t as often looked through.
And thank you for the response! ❤️
Am I annoyed at her? (Obviously I’m not, but she often assumes I am)
I mean, it’s not really obvious. Instant feelings don’t always make rational sense.
It’s obvious to me. I get that it’s not obvious to her 😂
How did you change?
It’s difficult to say, really. It’s a form of acceptance. Accepting that you are who you are, taking things at face value rather than second-guessing everything you hear. I’ve got a decent head on my shoulders and feel more confident in my own abilities.
It wasn’t until I decided to call in sick from work last September. It was not a great winter to get through and taking a long, hard look at myself, my environment and my past was a very painful process.
I’ve been pretty aware of the fact that I was in need of psychological help since somewhere around 2018. Since then I’ve taken one step, in 2018, but didn’t follow through. I muddled my way through my last year of college, graduated, worked at a small publisher for about 3 years before moving to my current employer, moved, had a lot of personal stuff going on…
The step I took last September, to basically hit the brakes, was a turning point for me. But it took until the end of February to actually feel like I was on my way back up.
So in short: it’s pretty much all about confidence. Once you’ve accepted yourself for who you are, you’ll no longer feel like a burden to others. You’ll most likely also realize that people don’t often judge you without telling you stuff. After you’ve had an interaction, there is no need to wonder ‘oh I wonder what they’ll think of me, what will they think of me saying this or that’. Your overthinking will slow down a bit.
Couple of caveats:
- I am very aware of the priviliges I have gotten along my life and I understand not everyone can just call in sick for a year and get full medical support from their jobs, or be able to just freewheel through college;
- I am still a long ways from where I need to be and I’m starting both therapy with a psychologist and something called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in group form.
It’s awkward. I’m not upset, please stop insisting that I should be. Am I now failing to live up to your expectations by being okay with stuff?
This. It can be exhausting. I feel compelled to reassure the person that I’m not upset or whatever. It makes a big deal out of something i’d rather not be expending any social energy on.
Here’s an exaggerated analogy of what is like: imagine that every time you sneezed someone came over all concerned, like 'are your alright? are you sure? do you need a doctor? ’ and you had to explain that it was no big deal and that you were ok.
It also reminds me a little of people who cut themselves down, making you fell like you need to tell them, ‘oh no, you’re not ugly / stupid / a jerk’ or whatever.
It’s kind of annoying and distracting. It makes me think they have some emotional damage (don’t we all?) and then I start wondering what else is going to break under stress.
A sincere apology and owning fault is a power move. Apologizing four times because the chair made a weird sound when you adjusted it makes you look sad and impotent.
When someone over apologizes it makes me uncomfortable and lowers my trust of them. Are they actually sorry? Is this something they do consistently and then apologize for? Are they doing it on purpose and using the apology as a means to ask forgiveness instead of permission? Is it something they should even be apologizing for? It makes me feel like they are not actually apologetic and then I dont trust their sincere apology when they legitimately apologize.
At first it’s like I accept it. But if it’s too repetitious, I get annoyed and I start not registering it as sincere. It is kind of like how I am with forgiving. If you’re really and truly sorry - don’t do it again.
I used to do this at work. It was based entirely on my confidence level. I compulsively apologized because I fucked up so much. It went away after I got better and more confident in my trade. Maybe try building up her confidence in areas you find her compulsively apologizing in. Does she do it more in certain situations? With certain people?
I apologize compulsively at work and this thread is making me feel some type of way. Seems like everyone must hate me for it based on this thread I guess. It’s like I’m in an unwinnable scenario of bothering people if I fuck up and bothering people if I apologize about it. So then what?
Nah nobody hates you for it. People more often than not will just feel kind of bad for you, because people understand it comes from a lack of self confidence. I don’t get annoyed when other people over apologize, at least they give a shit enough about my opinion to do so.
Oh she does it constantly with everyone 😂 she is aware, and is striving to do it less, but yeah, it’s all confidence.
She loves baking, for example, and is really good at it, but will apologise profusely for how bad they are before anyone has even tasted them. Perfectionism is absolutely a part of it, and I think that’s been imposed on her by her mum who is also a perfectionist and expects everyone else to be a perfectionist.
But yeah, were figuring it out 😊
“Look, I’m sorry someone hurt you, but stop apologizing. Its not fair to yourself”
For me when somebody apologizes a lot it feels as though there is a subtle belief that I am the type of person who would be annoyed by the things being apologized for. As though their apology implies that I am an impatient or otherwise short fused person.
It’s important to me that I am patient and forgiving so excessive apologies subtly make me feel like I may be projecting some impatience. Ironically the very activity of constant apologies does lead me to be slightly impatient, quite the conundrum.
I do experience a bit of the paradox of impatience:
“Sorry”
“Don’t be sorry”
“Are you angry?”
“I’m not angry”
“Did I do something wrong?”
"NO YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG FFS!!* 😂
Yeah, I know the struggle 😂
Like they’re setting the bar even higher for how bad I have to feel about my minor mistakes, because I’m also kind of like that.
Obviously, that doesn’t apply if you’re not.
